Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize