Your dad touched me again.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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