Whod you bang
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
