I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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