I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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