i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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