Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
