just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Houston, we have a blender
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
