Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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