I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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