Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
