You're completely useless in the revolution.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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