Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
