I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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