Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
