I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
