Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
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Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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