I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
