I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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