oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
