The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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