do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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