1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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