wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
