If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
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Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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