I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
