I didn't shave. On purpose
My hand turned me down
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.