In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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