Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo