I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
