i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
