I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
