He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
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so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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