I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
