Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
