My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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