did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
