Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
