what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
