weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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