She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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