And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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