you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
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