i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
