Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
