some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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