Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
