Midget sex pt 2 tonight
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
