I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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