i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
