Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
