it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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