Kareoke will never be a sober sport
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
