look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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