never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
