god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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