When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize