C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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