So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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